17th Sunday after Pentecost-Proper 19B

The Very Rev Melanie Dickson Lemburg 17th Sunday after Pentecost-Proper 19B September 15, 2024 I’m currently reading the book High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out by Amanda Ripley. In the book, Ripley distinguishes between healthy conflict, which we all need-like the warmth of fire—to grow and change, and high conflict which is a system in which participants become entrapped, fully ensnared in a self-perpetuating mentality of good versus evil/right versus wrong. Ripley uses the image of the LaBreya tar pits to talk about high conflict. Scientists have discovered more than three million bones, the remains of thousands of animals (including two thousand saber-toothed tigers) who became trapped in the La Brea Tar pits, which is only one, small, dark lake. Researches believe that thousands of years ago, a large creature like an ancient bison stumbled into the Tar Pits. It quickly became stuck and began making sounds of distress, flailing around and getting more and more stuck. The bison’s distress attracted the attention of predators, like dire wolves a pack of whom came to investigate this easy meal, and then they got stuck. They howled out in their distress, drawing more and more animals to their eventual doom. i Sound like anything you’ve experienced recently? One of the hallmarks of high conflict systems or situations is that people lose the ability to listen to the other side, to employ the necessary practice of curiosity to help get underneath the highly simplified surface issues to below the surface where complexity and story dwell. Our gospel story for today from Mark is a fascinating example of this phenomenon. Jesus and his disciples are on the road-traveling around the Judean countryside. Jesus has been teaching and healing; the Pharisees and the Herodians have pushed back on some of his teachings, arguing with him and then beginning planning how to destroy him. Sides have been chosen; the conflict is high and entrenched. Jesus asks his disciples two questions: who do people say that I am, and who do you say that I am? Peter proclaims Jesus as the Messiah, and Jesus continues on to teach about what being the Messiah entails, predicting his suffering, rejection, death and resurrection. Peter takes Jesus aside and rebukes him. Is it because Peter can’t fathom that such would be the fate of the long promised, long-awaited Messiah? Is it because tensions are rising and Peter can’t fathom this sort of loss of their side/victory by their enemies? Is it because Peter doesn’t want to believe this is the future for his beloved friend and teacher? Whatever the case, Jesus rebukes Peter publicly, and Jesus goes on to teach more to the disciples and all who have gathered about what following him, what true discipleship, entails. It involves a sort of unfurling, of looking outward, an opening up to life beyond our own expectations and desires. Peter is so caught up in his own expectations for Jesus as Messiah that he is unable to listen deeper, to be curious about how Jesus could so willingly embrace his own suffering and death and about the implications for that to which Jesus hints. Our Old Testament reading from Proverbs personifies Wisdom as a woman calling people to listen. She (Wisdom) proclaims that those who listen can often avert disaster, while those who don’t listen often face destructive consequences of not heeding her. And the passage from James for today is all about speaking and about the damage that occurs when we don’t speak wisely and carefully. The book of James is written as a letter, but it’s unclear who the audience or intended community is. It also belongs to the category of Wisdom literature that was wide-spread in the Middle East in that time (the mid-1st century). The book of James emphasizes the main point that faith must be exercised and expressed through good actions. Both the wise, curious listening of Proverbs and the wise, careful speaking of James are aspects of how Jesus calls us to practice discipleship. They are both, in fact, spiritual disciplines or spiritual practices we are called to develop or deepen as people of faith. We talked about listening at our Wednesday healing service this week. One of the members of that congregation shared a saying that she used to teach to nursing students: “Some people listen. Other people wait to talk.” Another, who is a retired librarian, reflected on how the first question people would ask at the library reference desk was never the question that they really wanted an answer to. She learned she had to ask more questions, to be curious, to burrow deeper, peeling back layers and listening beyond what is said to the essence of the exchange. One of the parts of the book High Conflict that I’ve been intrigued by is the data that most of us think we are better listeners than we actually are. We are quick to make assumptions and to apply meanings which are often inaccurate. And the data shows that when people don’t feel like they are being listened to, they stop sharing and what speaking they do share becomes more simplistic and less nuanced. In High Conflict, Amanda Ripley follows the story of attorney and conflict mediator Gary Friedman. Gary worked in a groundbreaking way to bring inter-personal mediation into the practice of law in the 1970’s starting when his friends asked him to mediate their divorce. Gary developed a technique of questioning which he teaches to mediators about how to go deeper into conflict, beyond the surface; he calls this going down the “Why trail.” If he is mediating between a divorcing couple who are fighting over a crockpot, he investigates why the crock pot matters so much. “…Gary might ask the wife, with genuine curiosity, what [the crock pot] means to her. It was from the couple’s wedding registry…it was a shiny version of the one her own parents had used in her childhood home, where as a little girl she could smell a pot roast cooking all Sunday afternoon. She and her husband had not created that home in real life. They didn’t even like to cook, let’s be honest. But she wants the crock pot anyway. Her husband, hearing this, feels a sadness, one he shares with his wife. He admits that he only wanted the crock pot because, well, she seemed to want it so much. This is hard to confess but it comes as a relief. She is the one who wanted the whole divorce, he says, and since he can’t stop the divorce, he supposes he’s trying to make her at least feel some of the pain he’s feeling. They start to see the understory of the crock pot. And that means they can loosen their grip on it. And on other things. They get unstuck, little by little.”ii This way of discipleship, of listening, requires courage and curiosity, a willingness to hold our own perspectives and expectations a little more lightly, being more open to the ways that the Holy Spirit shows up in our lives and invites us to listen. This week, I invite you to think about a time when wisdom was revealed to you by listening? What was that like? What did you learn from it? Pay attention, this week, to the ways you listen and the ways that you speak, and be mindful of how you live out your discipleship of Jesus through wise, curious listening and wise, careful speaking. i. Ripley Amanda. High Conflict. Pp26-27 ii. Ripley, Amanda. High Conflict. Pp35-36